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Melon Collie

No, I'm not writing about the classic Smashing Pumpkins album. If only it were that easy. I'm sure I could spend pages spewing all sorts of love for songs like 1979 and Tonight, but alas, I won't be.

I've been melancholy lately. I'm not really known for that particular facet of my personality -- in fact, I do quite well at covering up whatever sadness or weight that I'm bearing with a smile or corny joke. I'm not sure where that comes from, maybe I'm like a chameleon in that way - but instead of skin that blends in with the background, my defense mechanism is humor.

My life really isn't bad -- we're having another child in a few months, we have a nice (albeit in need of some repairs) home, Josiah is doing great in school. And heck, I'm not really depressed. Just....melancholy. Simply sad.

I think most of it is stress. Michelle left one of her jobs, which is awesome, since she'll be home more. But we'll be taking a somewhat major financial hit, which will hopefully be offset a little bit by more hours at her only job now. But that's still not enough - it's slow at work, so I'm not making much money right now, and I dropped down the number of days that I'm working since I went back to school. I'm taking 15 credit hours this semester, one more class than last semester, and I'm still trying to find a second job that pays better, and steadily.

But I'm stressed out.

I've been down this road before, but this time I feel like it's even worse - am I at the center of God's will? Is there some place in the past where I went wrong? That's probably not unusual to feel this way, but that doesn't change the fact that it sucks.

And add to that the fact that I turn thirty in a little over a month and a half, and the whole "what do I have to show for my life?" question enters my mind. And taunts me.

I hate that question.

Comments

solomonrex said…
Hang in there. It's the season, sun's going down early and all that. Just sing with me, "Tonight..." I love that song.

Yeah, I've been feeling it, too. My favorite fantasy author died earlier this week from a rare blood disorder ... 11 books into a 12 book series. It's so serious I don't dare complain. Big bummer. As for your job, you just have to make it to Thanksgiving, right? Lots of lost luggage.

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Again.

The one I thought I'd love.

But I lost it.

Only because I didn't want to be dragged along in part time until business picked up.

I've gone through the cycle, sadness to despair to anger to more anger.

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Must be getting early, clocks are running late.
Paint my love a morning sky, its all cold.
Dawn is breaking everywhere, light a candle, curse the glare
Draw the curtains I dont care, but its all right
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

I see youve got your list out, say your piece and kiss off.
Guess I get the gist of it, but its all right
Oh well anyway, sorry that you feel that way.
Every silver linings got a touch of grey
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

Its a lesson to me, the ablers and the beggars and the thieves
The abcs we all think of, try to win a little love.

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