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Reflecting on the year..

"Drove up to hillside manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And its been a long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last"
~ The Counting Crows, A Long December




My latest job involves a lot of driving (heck, the job itself IS driving), and when I drive, I often find myself lost in thought. Sometimes it's about a creative thing I'd love to get off of the ground, sometimes it's about something going on in my personal life, and sometimes it's about where the next donut shop is so I can get a coffee.

Tonight, the topic of my scattered thoughts, was the last year.

I'm not sure what exactly led to me soaking in thoughts of the last year, of the failures, the successes, the hope regained and the hope lost. The bitterness of decisions made, the sweetness of others.

I started this year off in neutral, sort of spinning my tires. I was working a temp job that I hated more and more each day, but still went to because we needed the money. We've been digging ourselves out of a hole we'd dug for ourselves, and while I didn't make a whole lot of money, it still bought us groceries, gas and paid for nursery school. It's funny how sometimes the necessary evil that we call on the most often is our job, since our toil is what allows us to eat.

But I hated it there. Some of the people were nice enough, but I was stagnant, spinning my wheels, not really going anywhere.

And then I got sick. I woke up on a Tuesday morning, on Valentines Day, and wanted to pass out. My throat hurt, my head hurt - everything hurt. So I called my boss, told her I wouldn't be able to make it, she said it was fine, and I went back to bed. Only to be woken up by the phone four hours later, when my temp agency told me that my contract was terminated.

Man, I hated it, but it still hurt. If only a little bit.

The following week I started working construction, which was a blessing, even if I didn't have a clue about what I was doing. And it was cold. I remember hurting more that week than I ever had before. But it was hard work -- good work. And I was still looking for a job, so I knew that it was temporary.

It didn't take long to find a job, in fact, somebody called me out of the blue, wanting to meet about the possibility of hiring me. And when they did hire me, I thought "This is it. This is where I'll be for a long time."

They fired me five months later.

I can't say it's completely their fault - I'm sure I could have been a better employee, but that second cut? That second firing? That hurt. Maybe it's because I'd been led to believe that I was secure in my position. Maybe it's because I knew, because I'd been told, that they really couldn't afford to have me move up to full time. Or maybe it's because, suddenly, after my firing, they replaced me with a full time employee and moved from a home office operation to an actual office. Maybe it's because I felt lied to.

I hate being burned. It hurts. And I don't like the smell of my own flesh cooking. Turns my stomach.

And the hot metal of the knife that I felt lodged firmly in my trapezius didn't feel so good either.

I was let down a lot this year - by myself, and people that I thought I could trust, and that hurt.

I'm tired of being let down.

I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have Michelle, or Josiah. Faith in God is one thing, but if you don't have tangible evidence of that faith surrounding you, that faith seems so much more difficult to hold on to. Loneliness can kind of grease the grips.

My son has seen his father cry too much this year. I can only hope that the coming year will have a lot less tears, and whole lot more laughs.

There was good stuff this year - I've gained more solid friendships than I could have ever hoped for, I have a support base that's pretty strong now. I have a much more lucrative job now, for however long that lasts. I know that sounds cynical, but hey, I've been around the mountain a few times.

I've watched my son go from being just a little bit above toddler, to an actual boy - a boy who seems to be excelling at school, who's wildly popular among his peers and the adults who interact with him. He's the kind of kid who's made to build pride in a father.

I know this is horribly scattered, long drawn, and sort of depressing, and I apologize. I guess the nature of the last year has crept it's way into my blog, huh?

This past year I started a podcast, tried to keep it up, I've begun videoblogging, and I've neglected actually writing text in my blog. I can't make any resolutions or promises, but I hope to go back to basics with my blog this year. The higher end stuff is fun, but with my pending return to "student" status, writing might come faster.

So here's to 2007 - things are looking up.

Soundtrack for this past year:

Winter -

Sufjan Stevens - Seven Swans

Summer -

Gnarls Barkley - Crazy (single)

Fall -

Weird Al Yankovic - Straight Outta Lynwood
Sufjan Stevens - Come on Feel the Illinoise

Comments

Michael Krahn said…
Hey,

Found you through google blog search because you mentioned Counting Crows. I did some writing about the band recently which I’m putting up on my blog in 5 parts.

Check it out if you want to:

http://krahn.blogspot.com/

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So I lost my job.

Again.

The one I thought I'd love.

But I lost it.

Only because I didn't want to be dragged along in part time until business picked up.

I've gone through the cycle, sadness to despair to anger to more anger.

And despite my lack of knowledge of the Grateful Dead, I heard this song on the radio today, and had to smile:

Must be getting early, clocks are running late.
Paint my love a morning sky, its all cold.
Dawn is breaking everywhere, light a candle, curse the glare
Draw the curtains I dont care, but its all right
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

I see youve got your list out, say your piece and kiss off.
Guess I get the gist of it, but its all right
Oh well anyway, sorry that you feel that way.
Every silver linings got a touch of grey
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

Its a lesson to me, the ablers and the beggars and the thieves
The abcs we all think of, try to win a little love.

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